Build genuine authority through respect instead of chasing approval
People love being liked. It’s hardwired into our social DNA. The warmth of approval, the easy laughs, the nodding heads around a conference table – they all feel good.
And for years, I chased that feeling, both as a project manager and in my side business.
But something interesting happened when I stopped prioritizing being liked and started focusing on being respected and trusted instead. Team performance improved. Client relationships deepened. My own confidence solidified.
The shift wasn’t comfortable. Making decisions that earned respect often meant sacrificing moments of popularity.
It meant holding team members accountable when they missed deadlines, pushing back on clients with unreasonable requests, and sometimes being the only voice willing to name the elephant in the room.
What I’ve discovered is that while likability might make day-to-day interactions smoother, it’s respect and trust that create the foundation for real leadership impact.
And the paradox?
When you focus on building respect rather than collecting likes, you often end up being genuinely liked anyway – not for your agreeableness, but for your substance.
In this article, I’ll share what I’ve learned about why respected leaders prioritize trust over popularity, and how you can build genuine authority by doing the same.
The likability trap
We’ve all worked with them – leaders who seem allergic to conflict. They dodge difficult conversations, water down feedback until it’s barely recognizable, and agree to unrealistic deadlines rather than risk disappointing anyone. Their meetings feel pleasant but unproductive, and somehow critical issues never quite get resolved.
I used to be that leader. When a designer consistently delivered work late, I’d make excuses for them. When a client requested features that would blow the budget, I’d say yes and figure it out later.
My primary metric for a successful interaction was simple: Did everyone leave feeling good?
This approach comes with an immediate payoff – people generally like working with you. You’re seen as flexible, accommodating, and positive. Team members invite you to lunch. Clients send holiday cards. Your social currency stays high.
But beneath that comfortable exterior lies a leadership quicksand that slowly pulls you under:
Your team never gets clear direction. When everything is cushioned in pleasantries and half-truths, people struggle to understand what actually matters.
Problems fester instead of getting solved. That chronically late designer never improves because they never receive honest feedback about the impact of their delays.
Decisions default to the loudest or most persistent voices, not necessarily the best ideas.
Your own credibility quietly erodes. People might like you, but they don’t trust your word or your judgment when it matters.
Most dangerously, the likability trap creates a false sense of harmony that masks dysfunction. Everyone’s smiling while the project burns. I’ve seen entire teams operating in this mode, where being “nice” was valued above being effective. The results were predictable: missed deadlines, quality issues, and eventual client frustration that no amount of pleasantness could overcome.
Take a moment to ask yourself: How often do you avoid saying what needs to be said because you’re worried about how it will be received? When was the last time you prioritized maintaining a pleasant atmosphere over addressing a real issue?
If you’re honest with yourself, these moments probably appear more often than you’d like to admit.
The price of prioritizing likability
Consider what typically happens when organizations bring in new leadership focused on accountability rather than popularity. These leaders often spend their first weeks observing processes and asking pointed questions about established practices.
When they finally address the team, they might highlight uncomfortable truths: consistent underestimation of project timelines, unprofitable client relationships due to incorrect pricing, or inefficient feedback cycles creating bottlenecks. These conversations rarely feel good in the moment. Teams might respond with silence, discomfort, or defensiveness.
But the results speak for themselves when organizations make necessary adjustments – revising timeline estimates, restructuring pricing for problematic client types, and streamlining feedback processes. These changes often lead to significant improvements in project profitability and team effectiveness.
This pattern illuminates the real price we pay when we prioritize likability above all else:
We make promises we can’t keep. When we’re afraid to say “no” or “that’s not possible within your budget,” we set ourselves up for inevitable disappointment and broken trust down the line.
We avoid necessary friction. Creative tension and productive disagreement drive innovation and quality – but they don’t always feel good in the moment.
We create false realities. When we shield people from hard truths to protect their feelings (or our relationship with them), we deprive them of information they need to make good decisions.
We end up being respected less. Perhaps counterintuitively, constantly seeking approval often results in less respect from those around us. People sense the accommodation comes from insecurity rather than generosity.
Most significantly, when we chase likability, we build our leadership identity on shifting sand. Being liked is temporary and circumstantial – it depends on external factors largely outside our control. One unpopular decision can erase months of carefully cultivated likability.
This creates a leadership approach that’s fundamentally reactive and anxiety-producing. You’re constantly scanning the environment for signs of approval or disapproval, adjusting your behavior accordingly, and feeling personally threatened when someone inevitably disagrees with you.
This pattern plays out in client relationships too. Organizations that avoid difficult conversations to maintain “good vibes” with clients typically end up with scope creep, uneven profitability, and eventually, burnout and resentment from their teams.
The client relationship might feel pleasant on the surface, but underneath lies a foundation of missed expectations and unspoken frustrations.
The reality? Sometimes being an effective leader means making decisions that not everyone will like – at least not immediately. But by understanding the difference between being liked and being respected, you can begin making this critical shift.
The respect advantage
Many business owners face pivotal moments when they must choose between pleasing a client immediately or having a difficult conversation about project realities. This might involve a complex deliverable proving more challenging than anticipated, with a looming deadline creating pressure to either deliver something incomplete or request more time.
The likability-seeking approach would typically favor option one – avoiding disappointment at all costs. The respect-based approach involves a direct conversation explaining the situation honestly and proposing a revised timeline with specific milestones.
These moments often reveal that clients appreciate transparency more than they value artificial adherence to timelines. “I’d rather wait for something that actually works than get something rushed” is a common response from clients who value substance over speed.
Such experiences highlight how respect-based relationships have fundamentally different qualities than likability-based ones:
They withstand disagreement. When people respect you, they can still value your leadership even when they don’t like what you’re saying. This creates more durable relationships that survive the inevitable conflicts that arise in any workplace.
They allow for authentic communication. Respect creates space for honest dialogue without the constant fear of damaging the relationship. Both parties can speak their truth, knowing the relationship is built on something sturdier than momentary approval.
They compound over time. Unlike likability, which requires constant maintenance and can vanish after a single unpopular decision, respect tends to grow with each demonstration of integrity, competence, and consistency.
They attract the right opportunities. When you’re known for substance rather than agreeableness, you draw in clients, team members, and partners who value quality over comfort – the kind of people who make businesses thrive.
The most effective leaders typically aren’t necessarily the most charismatic or the most accommodating. They’re the ones who consistently:
- Say what they mean and mean what they say
- Make decisions based on principles rather than popularity
- Hold themselves and others accountable
- Deliver hard messages with empathy but without dilution
- Admit mistakes quickly and transparently
These behaviors don’t always win popularity contests in the moment, but they create something more valuable: a reputation for trustworthiness and competence that becomes a leadership asset.
This isn’t about being intentionally difficult or adopting an unnecessarily harsh approach. Leaders who master this balance bring warmth and humanity to their interactions – they just don’t let the desire for approval drive their decisions.
The shift requires trusting that relationships built on respect will ultimately be more meaningful and productive than those built on likability alone. Clients who respect your judgment even when you push back on their requests often become long-term partners. Team members who know they’ll receive honest feedback typically grow more rapidly in their roles.
The respect advantage isn’t just about how others perceive you – it’s about creating the conditions for everyone to do their best work.
Building a respect-first approach
Transitioning from a likability-focused to a respect-focused leadership style doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a gradual process of replacing approval-seeking behaviors with respect-building ones. Here’s how to begin this shift:
Start with clear expectations. Respect begins with clarity. For each project, team member, and client relationship, articulate what success looks like and what’s expected from all parties. This creates a foundation of shared understanding that makes accountability possible.
Many effective managers institute “expectation-setting sessions” at the start of each project. These brief conversations eliminate ambiguity and give everyone a clear target to aim for.
Practice delivering unvarnished truth with empathy. The key is to separate the message from the delivery. You can be direct about difficult realities while still being thoughtful about how you communicate them.
A useful formula follows this structure:
“Here’s the situation [objective facts], this is the impact [consequences], this is what needs to happen [clear direction], and here’s how I can support you [compassion].”
Make decisions from a values-based framework. When you’re torn between what’s popular and what’s right, having a clear decision-making framework helps. Ask yourself:
- Does this align with our stated values and priorities?
- Will this move us closer to our goals?
- Is this the right thing for the team/project/company, even if it’s not the easiest?
Build a culture of constructive disagreement. Help your team understand that respectful challenge is not just allowed but encouraged. Model this by inviting feedback on your own ideas and responding thoughtfully when you receive it.
Many successful teams implement structured time for critical evaluation of major decisions. After a direction is proposed, they might spend dedicated time explicitly trying to identify potential issues or alternative approaches before proceeding.
Focus on progress, not perfection. You’ll still have moments where you fall back into old patterns of conflict avoidance or approval-seeking. That’s normal. The goal isn’t flawless execution but consistent improvement.
During the transition, you may notice some initial discomfort – both in yourself and in those around you. People who are used to your accommodating style might push back when you begin holding firmer boundaries. This is normal and temporary.
Clients who have grown accustomed to immediate agreement to scope changes often initially show frustration when discussions shift to addressing the impact of these changes on timelines and budgets. However, after experiencing projects that adhere to agreements and deliver quality work on time, most develop a new level of professionalism in the relationship.
The most important thing to remember is that respect is earned primarily through consistency. It’s not about making grand gestures but about showing up as the same trustworthy person day after day, especially when facing challenges.
This approach requires courage – the courage to face temporary discomfort for long-term gain, to stand by your principles even when they’re unpopular, and to be the leader your team needs rather than the one they might initially want.
But the payoff is substantial: deeper trust with clients, stronger team performance, and the personal satisfaction of leading with integrity rather than insecurity. And paradoxically, many leaders find that when they stop fixating on being liked and focus instead on being respected, genuine appreciation and even admiration often follow.
Conclusion
Building genuine authority through respect isn’t about becoming cold or uncaring. It’s about making decisions from a place of integrity rather than insecurity. It’s about valuing long-term outcomes over momentary comfort.
Many leaders can recall their first experience delivering difficult news to a valued client- – perhaps explaining that a request wasn’t feasible within budget constraints. Despite the anxiety this creates, presenting a clear explanation of constraints along with viable alternatives often yields surprising results. Instead of damaging the relationship, this approach frequently strengthens it as clients appreciate the honesty and collaborate to find solutions that respect everyone’s limitations.
These moments teach a powerful lesson: people can handle truth delivered with care. In fact, they often crave it in a world full of pleasant half-truths and conflict avoidance.
Your path to respect-based leadership starts with a single step: identify one situation where you’ve been prioritizing likability over respect, and approach it differently. Maybe it’s giving clearer feedback to a team member, setting a boundary with a client, or speaking up about a concern you’ve been minimizing.
The immediate response might not be positive. That’s okay. Leadership isn’t measured in moments but in consistent patterns over time. As you build a foundation of trustworthiness and substance, you’ll find yourself surrounded by people who value you not just for your agreeableness, but for your integrity – and that’s a far more sustainable form of influence.
What approval-seeking behavior will you replace with a respect-building approach tomorrow?
