Learning habit #2 rewired how I relate to everyone
I stared at my phone, my finger hovering over the send button. Another heated message ready to launch in a moment of frustration. We’ve all been there – that instant when emotions threaten to override our better judgment in our relationships, whether with partners, family, friends, or colleagues.
But what separates people who maintain strong, lasting relationships from those who struggle with constant conflict?
The answer lies in emotional intelligence, and research from Harvard Business School shows it accounts for nearly 90% of what sets high performers apart when it comes to relationship success.
Here’s the fascinating part: While IQ remains relatively fixed throughout life, emotional intelligence is like a muscle you can strengthen.
Through personal experience with these five specific habits, I’ve seen transformations in how people connect with others – especially after mastering the second habit, which fundamentally changed my own approach to every relationship in my life.
In this article, I’ll share the five habits of emotionally intelligent people that can transform your relationships.
These aren’t just theories – they’re practical behaviors you can start implementing today to build stronger connections with everyone around you.
Why most people struggle with relationships
Have you ever noticed how some people seem to navigate relationships effortlessly? They have fulfilling friendships, strong family bonds, and healthy romantic partnerships, while others face constant misunderstandings and conflicts.
The difference often isn’t about intelligence in the traditional sense. A brilliant scientist or successful entrepreneur might still struggle to maintain healthy relationships, while someone with average academic achievements builds deep, lasting connections with almost everyone they meet.
This puzzling dynamic played out clearly in a long-term study at UC Berkeley, where researchers found that emotional intelligence was four times more powerful than IQ in predicting who would have successful relationships and career advancement. Yet most of us spend years developing our analytical abilities while paying little attention to our emotional skills.
Here’s what trips most people up: We tend to focus on being right rather than being understood. We prioritize winning arguments over maintaining connections.
We react instantly to emotional triggers instead of responding thoughtfully. These natural tendencies sabotage our relationships before we even realize what’s happening.
Unlike IQ, which remains relatively stable throughout life, emotional intelligence can be developed at any age. Through specific habits and practices, anyone can strengthen their ability to understand and manage emotions – both their own and others’.
Practice active listening without judgment
Think about your last disagreement with someone close to you. Were you truly listening to understand their perspective, or were you mentally preparing your counterarguments while they spoke?
Most of us claim to be good listeners, but genuine active listening is rare. When researchers at Wright State University studied natural conversations, they found that we typically remember only 25% of what others tell us. Even more concerning, we often miss the emotional undertones that carry the real meaning behind the words.
Active listening without judgment transforms this dynamic completely. It’s not just about staying quiet while someone else talks – it’s about creating a space where the other person feels truly heard and understood.
Here’s what this looks like in practice:
First, focus entirely on understanding rather than evaluating. When your partner tells you about a difficult day at work, resist the urge to immediately offer solutions. Instead, try to grasp both the facts and the feelings they’re sharing.
Second, watch for emotional cues beyond words. Does their voice tighten when mentioning a particular colleague? Do their shoulders tense when describing a meeting? These physical signals often communicate more than words alone.
Finally, reflect back what you hear without adding your own interpretation. Rather than saying, “You shouldn’t let your boss get to you like that,” try, “It sounds like that interaction with your boss left you feeling undervalued.”
This simple shift shows you’re trying to understand rather than judge or fix.
Let’s look at an example with couples. One pair had been arguing about household chores for years. When they finally practiced true active listening, something remarkable happened.
The husband realized his wife’s frustration wasn’t really about the dishes in the sink – it was about feeling like her time wasn’t valued. This breakthrough came not from clever arguments or logical solutions, but from truly listening without judgment.
But as powerful as active listening is, it’s only the foundation. The second habit – the one that revolutionized my understanding of relationships – takes us even deeper into emotional intelligence.
Respond rather than react
We’ve all had that moment: Someone says something that pushes our buttons, and before we know it, words are flying out of our mouths that we later regret. These instant reactions often create the deepest wounds in our relationships.
The difference between reacting and responding might seem subtle, but it’s transformative. A reaction is automatic – it’s your emotions taking the wheel. A response is intentional – it’s you choosing how to engage with those emotions.
Studies from the University of California show that taking even a brief pause – as short as six seconds – between an emotional trigger and our response can dramatically change the outcome of difficult conversations. During this pause, our rational brain has time to catch up with our emotional brain.
Here’s how to build this habit:
Start by recognizing your physical response to emotional triggers. Maybe your shoulders tense, your stomach tightens, or your face feels hot. These physical cues are your early warning system, telling you it’s time to pause.
During that pause, ask yourself one simple question: “What’s needed here?” Not what you want to say or do, but what the situation actually needs. This shifts you from reactive mode to responsive mode.
When faced with missed deadlines or project setbacks, many leaders react with immediate criticism or micromanagement.
However, taking a pause before responding allows you to shift from confrontation to curiosity. This simple change – asking questions to understand rather than jumping to conclusions – often leads to better team performance and stronger working relationships.
This leads us naturally to our fourth habit, which helps us use this response time more effectively.
Take responsibility for emotional impact
Have you ever noticed how one person’s mood can shift the entire atmosphere of a room? Research in emotional psychology calls this “emotional contagion” – our natural tendency to catch and mirror the emotional states of others.
This phenomenon explains why a leader’s stress ripples through their team, or why one family member’s anxiety can affect the whole household. Understanding this effect gives us both power and responsibility in our relationships.
I discovered this principle’s importance during a period of high stress in my own life. Without realizing it, I was broadcasting my tension to everyone around me. My partner grew distant, my friends seemed hesitant to share their problems, and even my dog seemed more anxious than usual.
The breakthrough came when I realized that managing my emotional impact wasn’t just about me – it was about creating a safe emotional space for all my relationships.
Here’s how to put this into practice:
Before entering important interactions, take an emotional temperature check.
- Are you bringing stress from work into your home life?
- Are you projecting past relationship disappointments onto new connections?
- This awareness allows you to adjust your emotional state before it affects others.
Pay attention to how people respond to your presence. Do they seem more relaxed or more tense? Do conversations flow freely or feel guarded? These reactions offer valuable feedback about your emotional impact.
Moving forward with emotional intelligence
There’s a profound difference between knowing about emotional intelligence and actually putting it into practice. As you’ve seen, these five habits – active listening, emotional awareness, thoughtful responses, active empathy, and managing emotional impact – work together to transform relationships.
Looking back, I can trace nearly every significant improvement in my relationships to that pivotal second habit – emotional awareness. When you understand your own emotional landscape, the other habits naturally begin to fall into place.
You can’t truly listen without judgment until you’re aware of your own emotional triggers. You can’t respond rather than react until you recognize your emotional patterns.
Start small. Pick one habit – perhaps emotional awareness – and practice it in low-stakes situations. Notice your emotional responses during everyday interactions: your morning coffee run, casual chats with colleagues, or evening conversations with family.
As you build confidence, gradually apply these skills to more challenging relationships.
The most powerful changes often come from the simplest shifts in how we show up in our relationships. Every time you pause before reacting, every moment you truly listen, every instance you choose to understand rather than judge – you’re building stronger connections.
What habit will you start practicing today?
